Over sixty five and looking for excitement in retirement? Forget SAGA holidays and gardening, the future’s here...

So here we are. A little over a week ago the end of the world was upon us but I'm now writing this sat in the exact same chair as yesterday, the day before and yes... the day before that too. It's not been an overly exciting week; three exams in four days have put paid to anything resembling a social life and led to a rocketing in shares of Red Bull, Coffee, Pro-Plus and Mini Cheddars. But it has left me plenty of time for staring blankly into space, considering life after the bubble that is University, work and what comes afterwards. Retirement [I'm already expecting the obligatory "but you're already an old man Dave" jibes]

This took me back to a conversation at home about a month ago that started with mum opening a letter from the ‘pensions people’ [I’m not entirely sure who they are... so ‘pensions people’ they’ll remain] and found that she’d be getting a lump sum on retirement then some cash every month [I’m not going to trouble you with more unnecessary details so please, continue]. At the same time Dad popped downstairs to have a rant, another regular occurrence [a very familiar situation for you too, I’m sure] this time about the ageing population in the UK and how the ‘younger generation’ aren't aware of what’ll be needed of them in 15 years time, raised taxes, national insurance, everything.

At that point I switched off but now, I think I’ve found a far better idea for a pension scheme that tackles our ageing population at the same time. The solution here lies in motorbikes. Something like 25% of all fatal collisions in the UK are down to motorbikes, despite the fact that riders make up less than 1% of all people on the roads. So I reckon... on retirement, give every pensioner a motorbike instead of a lump cash sum from the government [seeing a return to natural selection at its very finest].

Obviously the astute among the elderly will sell their bike, using the cash to better their lives. A strategy I'm firmly behind, because you’re the old people that deserve to be around later in life. There’ll be the few that take to their new hobby with aplomb, visiting places they've never been before; boosting the tourist economy for the country and at the same time destroying [single handed] the soul sucking pastime that is package coach trips, we’re winning on all fronts here.

But largely there will be losses; many would of course lose their lives on the dangerous roads of the UK. But just imagine the adrenaline rush your dear relatives will be experiencing and the excitement at being able to motor around the countryside without a care in the world, before exploding into a ball of flame, metal, leather, cardigans and false teeth.

There’s one last twist to the tale, the ace sat comfortably up my sleeve. There’s plenty of mileage in ideas for a reality TV show, where a public vote decides which ageing celebrity gets to take part in the Indoor Red Bull Challenge [for charity of course... I’m no monster]. Survival of the fittest if you may, all for your Saturday evening entertainment. we've all got so called celebrities we're not fans of and provided they're pushing retirement age (or you feel they should be) then we're away.

Let’s get Keith Lemon as host, maybe a judging panel of Frankie Boyle, Vic Reeves, Fiona Bruce and Valentino Rossi. Consider the ratings war won. “Hell for Tweed, Suede and Leather” will be hitting screens sometime in the near future, signalling a new breed of “Edge of Reality TV”.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be tuned in to Points of View next weekend so we can take this country’s entertainment by storm. One wheel at a time.

2012 Problems... and Prediction's one.

So I'm happily staying on earth this weekend. Not a problem, I wasn't expecting a rapturous reception.

With my cheap pun firmly out of the way, there we have it. Yesterday the end of the world was nigh and now it seems we've been left high and dry. I think I can guess what you're thinking... "did you really expect a massive earthquake to destroy the Earth, ending the world as we know it?"

Well to be honest no, I didn't. But I'll level with you that the distinct lack of Rapture has knocked me back a fair bit. For starters I've had to spend a fiver on food that I wasn't expecting to have to. [When the time comes, I'm definitely having a word with God about that]. It also means I'll have to revise for the exams I've got coming up this week, unless I can really put the education system to the test and use the two words that give all students that little bit of hope when deadline time comes around...

Extenuating Circumstances. Every self respecting student's lifeline. Now I understand that the University makes allowances [and valuable percentages] for religious observances, but I'm guessing that "I'm sorry, I can't do these exams. I'm a devout Christian and was expecting to be Raptured into heaven... so I haven't revised." wouldn't come over especially well. But with the week I've got ahead of me, I fully intend to try it. It's that or buy one of those specially made INVIGILATOR t-shirts that they all seem to be sporting. The looks of sheer confusion would be fantastic. Even better should it come to conversation. "What are you doing sat with this exam paper?" "I'm undercover" would be my response "making sure no one's cheating under the radar". To be honest, I can't imagine that going down overly well either.

On paper, it doesn't seem like I've come out well from this whole Rapture business. But really, I've had a great meal and learned (hopefully) enough to pass some of these bleeding exams. I'm just hoping that the Mayans were a bit better at predicting some of this end of the world business and on the night of the 21st December, 2012 I won't be sat infront of a computer screen typing out how I'm miffed that they had it all wrong too. But I do have a tagline for it: "2012 problems, and prediction's one"